She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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