I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
