Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So much Jack, so little girl.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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