They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
please come you make the beer taste better
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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