My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
