I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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