My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
