If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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