How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
