First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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