Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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