Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
