i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
