Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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