i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
