You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
