To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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