I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
