i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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