and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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