: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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