I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
