Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
