That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
