Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
