I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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