ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
