I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
