Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
