mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
