I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
