Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
