a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
