i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
