I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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