Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
