Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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