My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
