Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
