My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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