I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
