My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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