bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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