I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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