Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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