Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
