My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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