I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
