He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
