Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
